We went to the Vancouver Fan Expo specifically to meet my idol Carrie Fisher. I was a very lonely, awkward preteen and spent most of my free time lying in bed daydreaming about having adventures in a galaxy far, far away with my mom, Princess Leia. I had rehearsed for over two decades telling her how much she had meant to me during that time and I continued to rehearse in my head for the three hours I stood in line waiting for her to sign my copy of her book Wishful Drinking. She has always been very candid about her bi-polar and addictions and I have always admired her ability to not pussyfoot around so called “sensitive issues”. I love how she owns her shit. As a thanks I had made her some Buff Beads and three people away from her I still had no idea how I would manage to fit everything I had to say to her into 30 seconds. With my husband holding me up I walked up to her trembling and holding back tears. She was beautiful and I wanted to hug her. I mumbled off my words of adoration and the part she played in my childhood as my fictional mom. She asked my age and if she could even be my mom. She did some quick math and she would have been young, but absolutely she could have been my mom and then she signed my book:
I told her that I had a blog and I wrote about self-love, self-talk and shame resilience. I explained that I had created Buff Beads to keep aware of my self-talk and I asked if I could give her some. She said “I really could use these” and put them around her fingers. I left that day high just at the reception I had received from Carrie. It didn’t matter if my beads got forgotten and left behind at the table, she would be seeing a thousand fans just like me. I was so completely satisfied with the moment that she took my beads and also kind of adopted me. The next day at the photo op I was excited, but not nearly as emotional. I full on had no expectations she would remember me and was just excited to have a picture with her. There were three people ahead of us when we walked into view of her and her French Bulldog Gary. David asked me which side I wanted to be on, I said whatever side of God Jesus was on. Gary was on the right side, so I took the left. With all the coolness of a limp noodle I walked up to her, said hello and then in a high pitched emotional whisper I squeaked “You’re wearing my beads. You’re wearing my beads.” I could not believe it. I hadn’t even allowed the thought to enter my mind that she would be. Carrie said “I’ve been wearing them all night.” The seconds after that were kind of a blur, I remember seeing the girl behind the camera I think she told me to smile needlessly, I said thank you in a breathless sob and Carrie said “You’re welcome” and I walked out.
The person who had influenced my life the most and who I most wanted to wear the beads I had created a year ago was wearing them on her own accord. Carrie Fisher had gone back to her hotel the night before, with my beads and then friggin’ put them on and wore them all day, through the Q & A, through the autograph session and through the photo op. This is the only affirmation I will ever need. My idol, my fantasy “true” mom, heard my message of self-love and appreciated it. And I have proof.
The Buff Beads that I gave to Carrie and that she wore can be found on the Buff Beads store.