Stop Hitting Yourself

Have you ever had someone take your hand and then forcefully start beating you in the face with it? It’s a very unnatural and unpleasant feeling, not to mention it really hurts. We’re not meant to hurt ourselves with our own limbs and we’re not meant to hurt ourselves with our own words or thoughts.

I worked and lived with a woman who made my life miserable. She showed kindness and compassion to everyone she came across, but she loved to pick on me. Any mistake I made I was told how stupid I was. She knew all my secrets and loved to remind me of my most shameful memories. She was relentless in making me feel undeserving off all the greatness in my life. As soon as I got up in the morning she was there telling me I was lazy because I didn’t get up earlier to work out. She was sweet as pie to everyone else, yet she made me feel unworthy, unlovable and made me sick. This beast of a woman wasn’t a co-worker, spouse, sibling or parent, she was me.

How would it feel to know that others could hear your self-talk? Would you allow someone to speak to you the way you speak to yourself?
By becoming aware of the quality of our words we can change how we see ourselves and ultimately how others see us. Positive words whether to yourself or to another lead to a positive self-worth.
Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion as you would any other. Be aware of the words the follow “I am”. They are very powerful.

Buff Beads are a simple reminder to be aware of your self-talk. They are used as a reminder of the importance of treating ourselves with the same respect as we would another. Buff Beads are a tool used in every day life to be sure that we are treating the most important person to us (ourselves) with the up most respect.

Buff Yourself!

My friend myself

Courage Buff Beads

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.”
― Mark Twain

Introducing Courage Buff Beads.

“I am courageous!” Is a powerful buff and is my most popular mantra.  It just takes one courageous action to start the ball rolling.  You will find that it feels good and it gets easier to do scary things. Courage opens the door to new experiences.  Courage brings hope.

DSC00514

Happy 1 Year Buff Beads!

Buff Beads are a year old! Thank you everyone who has been with me from the beginning!

A year ago today I was walking around China Town in Vancouver after having just visited Dr. Sun Yat-Sen’s Garden gift shop where I purchased a pair of prayer beads that were on sale. As the story goes, I was feeling anxiously awful. It was one of those times where it took every bit of concentration just to get to the next moment without losing it. I began to play with the beads as I continued to mentally defend my Self against my word. It soon became effortless and my anxiety began to lift. I called them my Buff Beads, because what I was doing was using my word to give me power. As we do in our video games. It worked so well and I had to tell others that I knew could benefit from this knowledge. I found a little bead store and without any knowledge of stringing beads I made a handful of beads that I gave to those that needed them. June 21st my Etsy shop opened. My first buyer coincidentally was the first person I had given Buff Beads to. My son Josh was my first buyer. I have the order still pinned to my vision board. The order came with a note from the buyer that simply says “I love you.”

In the last year I have given away and sold hundreds of Buff Beads to people all over the world. The styles have changed a few times, but the message has always been the same and always will be.

There is a healing powers in your words. By saying only loving and kind words to your Self you develop a friendship that will surpass all others. The love and respect I have for my Self now brings tears to my eyes. I cannot believe I had let it go for so long and allowed so much disrespect in my life.

In just a few weeks Buff Beads online store will go live and my message of the power of self-talk will become even louder! I am so excited to see where we are at in another year.

*NOTE: Buff Beads shown are my original Buff Beads and not for sale.

Anniversary Buff Beads are on Sale on AOP’s Etsy Shop.

FREE SHIPPING this week!

DSC01356

 

Pride Buff Beads

Introducing Pride Buff Beads on Advice Over Pie’s Etsy Shop

Buff Beads are based on the article Give Yourself a Love Buff.

You can learn about Buff Beads from yours truly:

Continue reading

Selfie

His SelfAfter my article Me, My Self and My Ego I received this picture from Caleb who took my message to heart and used his artistic skills to draw his Self. Something he had given up doing in high school. Working in a tense work environment and not feeling anyone has your back can make your work day seem excruciatingly long. Caleb is using this image of his Self to build strength and confidence to get him through his work day with peace and joy.

Send me your selfie: jessica@adviceoverpie.com

Me, My Self and My Ego

Everyone needs a hero. I met mine early last year. She has this radiance that is calming. I can see the universal wisdom in her eyes where even my most major circumstances are mere blips in comparison. Yet, she looks at me with such compassion and understanding that I am comforted immediately. She oozes confidence and dances uninhibitedly when she feels joy. She is silly, graceful, protective and loyal.  I want to be her. She is me. She is my Soul. She is my Self.

_________________

When I’m with my tribe, ie husband, kids, sisters, brothers, bff, aunts, cousins…I am confident and fear almost nothing. Knowing that my tribe has my back should I run into trouble, gives me an air of confidence. I want that feeling always. To feel unconditionally loved and supported in a moments notice would revolutionize day to day life. By developing a relationship with my Self I have a built in tribe that I bring with me everywhere. She is the angel on my shoulder. I can feel her with me and I can see her smiling at me with warmth and love.

It takes practice to remember to turn to her, because the worldly pain is loud and my ego is even louder. My ego demands attention by sneaking in words to bring me down. She is the devil on my shoulder. Sulking in the corner and plotting ways to take me down. She thrives in conflict and will do all she can to slime her way into my head. During my happiest moments she is the loudest. Trying to convince me of my lack of worth and why I do not deserve such joy. I can feel my ego coming sometimes and can stop her in her tracks. I am stern and I say No!

“Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth.” (Gandalf)

She glares and slinker’s off. My Self and I give each other a knowing smirk and a mental high five.

Often the pain is loud and sudden and I can’t catch it. I fall into despair, worry and grief.  After some time I am reminded that I’m not alone.  I turn and there she is smiling at me compassionately, an invisible hand of comfort on my shoulder.  She simply says “You are doing really well.” And I cock my head to the left putting it to hers.

Being told you’re handling your stress well is sometimes all you need to hear.

Creating a mental image of my soul and my ego makes them tangible. It provides a source of the self-bullying and gives me something to stick up to. It allows me to have a visual representation of who I want to be as a person and a source of the self-love and self-compassion. Visualization is a gift and not often used to its full potential. More often than not, it’s because we feel silly. Who do we feel silly in front of? Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into the ways of the ego. Stand steadfast with the knowledge and power you have knowing that you are not alone. There is power in you to change your life. Trust your Self and let go.


His SelfAfter my article Me, My Self and My Ego I received this picture from Caleb who took my message to heart and used his artistic skills to draw his Self. Something he had given up doing in high school. Working in a tense work environment and not feeling anyone has your back can make your work day seem excruciatingly long. Caleb is using this image of his Self to build strength and confidence to get him through his work day with peace and joy.

Send me your selfie: jessica@adviceoverpie.com

[

It’s Dangerous to Go Alone. Take These.

As most of you know, Buff Beads are based on the gaming term for the skill used to give yourself power before a battle. Here’s a quick little run down:

In video games, specifically RPGs or MMOs there is a term we use for the skills that give us an advantage in the game. An extra 10% to health, a bonus 15% to defense, a boost to damage, speed, endurance etc. Some of these little dabs of comfort last until you get hit, some last 30 seconds and some last 60 minutes. Most of them aren’t game changing like cheats ie. God Mode or Motherlode , nor do we really want them to be. Really, it’s just the boost of confidence we get when we hit the skill, our character does their battle cry and powers up. We are then buffed up and ready for battle.

To make it easy and visual here are the stats you’ll need to buff up at any given time:

2015-04-30_191604

  • Health
  • Energy
  • Intelligence
  • Dexterity
  • Valor
  • Armour
  • Strength,
  • Wisdom
  • Endurance
  • Toughness
  • Compassion

 

 

Compassion is highlighted due to its critical importance and frequent use. It is the stat that boosts the skills, Forgiveness, Understanding and Love. When Compassion is used on yourself it will give a permanent buff to the majority of your stats. Specifically, Health, Valor, Armour and Wisdom.

For a little under a year I have been teaching people the importance of buffing in real life and how to do it. To do it we use one of the first skills we learn in this game we call life, Speech. Only when Speech is activated can we use the skill Words. Using Words is an important skill and must be used very carefully as to make sure we do not debuff. A buff that comes after learning Words is “I am”.

Warning: “I am” is the most powerful buff and must be used wisely. If used poorly it can be turned into a self-destructing debuff. This is not a glitch. It can be used as a buff and a debuff. This is the way the Dev designed it. Whatever you put after “I am” can determine how your game will go. Kind of like Fable.

Buffing yourself in RL is a life changing experience boost that will get you to the next level. It is part of your storyline and a never ending quest that may seem like a grind at times. But leave it in your quest log and consistently go back and work on it. Each time you do the reward is greater.

It’s dangerous to go alone. Take these. Equip some Legend of Zelda themed Buff Beads for a boost to Memory. They will be a reminder to not only Buff Yourself, but of the importance of using your Speech skill to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. You may not have Navi with you throughout your journey, but when you treat yourself as a friend, that’s what you will become.

Visit the Buff Beads Store.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop Hitting Yourself – How to Self-Talk

Have you ever had someone take your hand and then forcefully start beating you in the face with it? It’s a very unnatural and unpleasant feeling, not to mention it really hurts.  We’re not meant to hurt ourselves with our own limbs and we’re not meant to hurt ourselves with our own words or thoughts.
The subconscious cannot tell the difference between our words or another person’s words

Up until a couple years ago, I worked and lived with a woman who made my life miserable. She was nice to everyone else, but she loved to pick on me. Any mistake I made I was told how stupid I was. She knew all my secrets and loved to remind me of my most shameful memories and tell me how horrible of a person I was. As soon as I got up in the morning she was there telling me I was lazy because I didn’t get up earlier to work out. Sweet as pie to everyone else, she made me feel unworthy, unlovable and made me sick. This beast of a woman wasn’t a co-worker, sibling or parent, she was me. I lived with sickness, shame and anxiety for many years until I became my own hero and took control of my self-talk.

Categorically, self-talk is a broad statement. But with the right perspective you can usually narrow it down to a free flowing thought form that comes at you unannounced and unwanted unless you take control. Collectively we would agree that our words are generally not of a positive nature towards ourselves. You would normally never speak to anyone the way you speak to yourself and I can’t imagine that any of us would tolerate being in such an abusive relationship for long.

Worthy
How do I self talk?

Be your own best friend. One day you show your human side and make an embarrassing mistake that makes you want to curl up under a blanket and never come out. Use comforting words that you would to your best friend or partner and remind yourself of all the things you did, and do, amazingly wellSelf-compassion doesn’t just apply to things that happen to you, it applies to things you do to yourself. Example “I am so sorry that happened. It must have been very embarrassing.  It will all be okay.”

Be proud of yourself. How often do you brush aside compliments and give reasons why “it really wasn’t that big of a deal”? Relish in the joy of doing amazing things. Even if it’s just managing to fold a fitted sheet, I had heard only wizards could do that. Every day create in yourself a sense of pride for your accomplishments. Example “Nicely done on the folding of that fitted sheets!  I heard only wizards could do that! Woot!

Be the nicest person who has ever been nice to you.

Buff Yourself. Often you will see professional athletes sitting muttering to themselves. They are pumping themselves up using their words. Buffing yourself means to give yourself power. Before an interview, test, meeting, anything that you need to draw inner strength for, use your words. My favorite words to say to myself are “I am so very strong and have proved that many times.

Allow yourself to love you. The hardest part about self-love and self-talk is the resistance you will have towards it. It will feel awkward saying kind things towards yourself. You will feel like you’re lying or even bragging. Have you ever broke into song and dance while alone and then all of a sudden feel self-conscious and embarrassed? This happens because you are not comfortable around you. And why would you be comfortable around someone that is so mean and degrading at times? Create a kind and loving relationship with yourself by becoming aware of your inner dialogue. You will then see how often and unconsciously you talk down to yourself.  Change it. Stick up for yourself. Tell yourself that you are worthy of love and respect and you will not tolerate being treated in any other way. Example “I am a very good person and I am very kind. I am worthy of all good things.

Just because it’s your own hand doesn’t make it hurt less. Just because the words are your own doesn’t make them any less painful or effective. Now that you are aware of this you have the ability to take control of your your words. By changing your inner dialogue you build a trust and bond with yourself that will make you feel confident and less alone during some of the most scary times, because you know that you have your best friend with you always.

“Like food is to the body, self-talk is to the mind. Don’t let any junk thoughts repeat in your head.”

Maddy Malhotra, How to Build Self-Esteem and Be Confident: Overcome Fears, Break Habits, Be Successful and Happy

Advice Over Pie: The Healing Chronicles

A week ago on my birthday, I was told that after 15 years of illness and 4 years of tough mental work, my struggle with Ulcerative Colitis was over. Besides left over scarring, there were no signs of the disease in my body. I was not on any new medication, in fact I had stopped taking the oral medication all together. There is no known cure for UC, because doctors do not know how it starts or how it stops. I made mine stop. On a day in February I decided that I was sick of the same fights and the same mental struggle and I took control of my life by letting go. I healed myself by changing the way I think.

I’ve started writing this article numerous times. Trying to explain how my healing started is not an easy task. I knew when it happened, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what I was feeling or how. It’s in dramatic form, as it’s how most of my words come to me. (Weird, I know.) In no way, shape or form am I trying to convince you of a miracle that was bestowed upon me, instead I am sharing my story so that it may reach whomever needs it.

It happened in February of 2014. The shame snuck up on me while I was in the shower. Shame is stealthy and would often blindside me, but not normally in the light of day. You see, shame prefers the quiet dark of 4 am where it has you all to itself. I had been sick with Ulcerative Colitis for a very long time and I was feeling quite exhausted by the pain and loss of blood. Being chronically ill and a perfectionist I believed that I was getting my just desserts by being sick and anytime I felt particularly uncomfortable the shame would remind me why. The bastard certainly didn’t hold anything back this time as it brought out the big guns. The garrisons were emptied and an army of past mistakes and ridicule lunged at me. The memories were random and ranged from as a far back as when I was three to as recent as the day before. Shame is shame. No matter if the mistake made was minor or major the shame felt the same. I didn’t want to do this anymore. The wakeless nights and the gut wrenching anxiety during the day. I remember thinking very clearly, “This is why people kill themselves“. With that thought I collapsed into a sobbing heap on the shower floor. It appeared that I was defeated, but what does one do when shame defeats them? I certainly, couldn’t end my life, I finally had everything I had ever wanted. My life was actually exhibiting the peace I had been craving for years. Why was this happening to me? I had stuff I wanted to do, things I wanted to see and I was not going to be able to do any of it if I was mentally and physically sick, let alone dead. So, I fought back.

I began to stick up for myself to myself. A memory would fire at me and I would explain exactly what I was feeling at the time and what my intentions were. During times that I exhibited lack of self-respect I told myself how lonely I was and how I was trying so hard to find happiness and acceptance. I comforted myself during humiliating memories by providing words of compassion as I would a friend. I convinced myself that despite my recklessness and my lack of self-respect, I was and am a very good person and would never purposely hurt anyone. As I continued to show self-compassion a beautiful thing happened. I gained a third perspective. My past, where my shame came from, my present, where I was being attacked by it and my soul, who was sticking up for me. I saw myself lying there in pain and I felt so sad for me. I picked myself off the ground, dried myself off and with my soul as a mediator, my present made peace with my past. I felt so good. I was full of self-confidence and pride. All the fear I had been living with became clear. The fear of what others thought of me, fear of the unknown future and the fear of conflict. It seemed ridiculous to me all of a sudden. With my soul intact, my past forgiven and my present awesome, I let go of my fear and I began to move with the flow of the universe. I put out there what I want, big or small and just go with it. If something dramatic or unexpected happens, I allow myself to feel the knock back of it, gain my footing and then allow it to just be. I take care of what I can in the moment and leave the rest that I have no control over. (Stress and worry still arise and I allow myself to feel it, but my recovery time is better. There is no dwelling.) To say that my healing in February was instant is not an exaggeration. With UC it is very obvious when you are getting sicker and it’s equally as obvious when you are getting better. I had never in 15 years felt as good as I was feeling a week after my shame battle.

There is no cure for Colitis, because they don’t know how it starts or how it stops. To me it doesn’t matter if I’m cured or simply in remission, I know how mentally and physically sick I was one day and the next I wasn’t. I am not taking my health for granted. I continue to take my medicine, watch my diet and take care of my mental health. I’m very obviously a different person than I was even year ago, but that doesn’t mean I don’t continue to struggle with my inner demons. I keep up with my soul work daily. I do well sitting at home in my cozy spa world, with my peace and incense, but the minute I step out in the world or log onto Facebook, shame is there. It is an epidemic. In our society where everyone appears to have perfect lives, perfect kids and perfect bodies, there is shame. Silence feeds shame. I want to end this. It’s eating us up inside and killing us. It’s killing our kids. I believe that there is strength within numbers and by getting together, sharing our stories and creating a strong bond this strength and confidence can stick with us even when we are faced with society’s perfection. Life has humbled me. There is no story told to me that I cannot say “Me too”. I will lead the charge in this shame battle, but I can’t do it alone. I want to create a strong group of imperfect women who together can spread the love, caring and understanding that is needed to kill shame. Who have no problem with being the first one to come out and say, “I am feeling shame.” Shame is the same feeling no matter what the circumstances are and it is destroyed by love, compassion and talking about it. It was the love of life and compassion for myself that helped me beat my shame, it was beating my shame that gave me the strength to let go of my fear and it was letting go of my fear that healed me. So, that means ultimately love and compassion are a healing force, and that’s a really easy place to start. Chose to love life and to love yourself.

 

If You Can’t Think Something Nice Don’t Think Anything at All.

hush now

Getting healthy and feeling good involves more than taking meds, eating healthy and exercising. It involves keeping as much negativity out of your life as much as possible. The last job I had did not end well. It was a very stressful time in my life and left me very hurt. So, of course having to drive by the place near everyday was like opening the wound over and over. So, instead of changing my route and adding 10 minutes to my drive, I challenged myself. It began by changing my attention to the car dealership on the other side of the road. Just by turning my head my focus was no longer on the going ons inside the building. I then would give thanks for what came out of that job and even losing the job. Then finally I began to wish happiness to the people I had liked there. Eventually I’d pass by there and realize I hadn’t even thought about it. I heard a few months ago that the major competition for the company had shut down leaving my old job the main supplier for the town. I found myself genuinely happy for them. How excited they must be that they were once the underdogs and now were on top. I was shocked that I felt this way. I’m still shocked. It is proof to me that by removing it from my universe I was able to distance myself from the hurtful memories and see it differently and even positively.

Negative feelings sometimes deceptively feel good. Like gossiping about a co-worker, scoffing at the town hoarder or judging an addict. It feels good because it makes us feel superior. We LOVE to feel better than everyone else. Subconsciously, finding flaws in others makes us feel better about ourselves. Allowing ourselves to feel this way is like giving into scratching a mosquito bite. Such a relief and feels so good, but long term it hurts, bleeds and may leave a scar. If you feel the urge to feed the ego and scratch that itch change your focus. Look the other way. Think about all the great things you have in your life. Wish them well and walk away. Verbally say “I don’t want that in my universe.” It is better to think nothing of someone or something than to allow yourself to think negative thoughts. But it feels so good, you say, and yes it does feel good to have a good bash sesh over the Kardashians. But, what is the point? What good does it serve you? You just exerted angry energy for 15 minutes that absolutely did no good to anyone. A good rule is to always think productive thoughts. How can thoughts be productive you ask? Well, your brain cannot tell the difference between thoughts and reality. So, you can trick it by thinking of things that bring you joy. Do this for a while and your body will release the hormone Serotonin, which will make you feel happy. Feeling happy will lead to a healthy body. Illness and disease have a really hard time living in a body that is consistently in a positive emotional state.

As I write this, a very loud stunt plane is practicing right above our neighborhood. He has been practicing every day or so for months. Despite numerous complaints he is up and down many times a day. I was not in a very positive state yesterday after his 5th stint. I found that the dread of hearing this plane was consuming my day and was making me very irritable. So, when it was the first thing I thought of this morning, I had to make a choice. I could allow it ruin my day or I could find a way to accept it. I cannot afford any long term negativity to be in my body. I need to keep positive and peaceful at least 75% of the time, otherwise my Colitis will flare up and then trying to heal my body ends up being a lot harder than ignoring a plane.  I have to not allow the stunt plane in my universe despite it very obviously being here. How do you not allow something in your universe when you have to deal with it every day? Well, by making it productive. I am using the plane as practice to keep calm under aggravating circumstances. My good positive moods are easily rocked by random everyday events, so an airwaves hogging sound is perfect for practicing to stay focused on happy peaceful thoughts. I have taken steps to keep myself happy while the plane is in the air. As I write this, the air conditioner is going on beside me, I have The Sounds of Disneyland playing and I have a box a dark chocolate truffles and a cup of green tea. I can still hear the plane, but I am choosing to not think about it and let it ruin my good mood and potentially make me sick. So, I wish the pilot well.

It is so comforting to know that we have a choice. We can consistently bitch about our boss, or we can choose to not think about him when we don’t have to. That is so relieving when you realize that you don’t have to think about your boss all the time. Take a moment right now to choose not to think of a stress. Just for a second you can go back to it, it will still be there. You will have to find something else to think about, because telling yourself not to think about your stress will just make you think about your stress. So, for 30 seconds think about a compliment you received that made you feel good. Feel how proud you are of yourself for receiving that compliment and how good it made you feel. If you did it proper you should have released a very nice long sigh, along with a good amount of tension, if it was there. Choose to do this at least once a day for 30 seconds. In a 24 hour span I think you can probably give yourself 30 seconds to consciously not think about a stress. You deserve to be happy. So make your choice. Challenge yourself daily and treat yourself with love, compassion and kindness. Love yourselves! You have value!