Stop Hitting Yourself

Have you ever had someone take your hand and then forcefully start beating you in the face with it? It’s a very unnatural and unpleasant feeling, not to mention it really hurts. We’re not meant to hurt ourselves with our own limbs and we’re not meant to hurt ourselves with our own words or thoughts.

I worked and lived with a woman who made my life miserable. She showed kindness and compassion to everyone she came across, but she loved to pick on me. Any mistake I made I was told how stupid I was. She knew all my secrets and loved to remind me of my most shameful memories. She was relentless in making me feel undeserving off all the greatness in my life. As soon as I got up in the morning she was there telling me I was lazy because I didn’t get up earlier to work out. She was sweet as pie to everyone else, yet she made me feel unworthy, unlovable and made me sick. This beast of a woman wasn’t a co-worker, spouse, sibling or parent, she was me.

How would it feel to know that others could hear your self-talk? Would you allow someone to speak to you the way you speak to yourself?
By becoming aware of the quality of our words we can change how we see ourselves and ultimately how others see us. Positive words whether to yourself or to another lead to a positive self-worth.
Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion as you would any other. Be aware of the words the follow “I am”. They are very powerful.

Buff Beads are a simple reminder to be aware of your self-talk. They are used as a reminder of the importance of treating ourselves with the same respect as we would another. Buff Beads are a tool used in every day life to be sure that we are treating the most important person to us (ourselves) with the up most respect.

Buff Yourself!

My friend myself

Courage Buff Beads

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.”
― Mark Twain

Introducing Courage Buff Beads.

“I am courageous!” Is a powerful buff and is my most popular mantra.  It just takes one courageous action to start the ball rolling.  You will find that it feels good and it gets easier to do scary things. Courage opens the door to new experiences.  Courage brings hope.

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Happy 1 Year Buff Beads!

Buff Beads are a year old! Thank you everyone who has been with me from the beginning!

A year ago today I was walking around China Town in Vancouver after having just visited Dr. Sun Yat-Sen’s Garden gift shop where I purchased a pair of prayer beads that were on sale. As the story goes, I was feeling anxiously awful. It was one of those times where it took every bit of concentration just to get to the next moment without losing it. I began to play with the beads as I continued to mentally defend my Self against my word. It soon became effortless and my anxiety began to lift. I called them my Buff Beads, because what I was doing was using my word to give me power. As we do in our video games. It worked so well and I had to tell others that I knew could benefit from this knowledge. I found a little bead store and without any knowledge of stringing beads I made a handful of beads that I gave to those that needed them. June 21st my Etsy shop opened. My first buyer coincidentally was the first person I had given Buff Beads to. My son Josh was my first buyer. I have the order still pinned to my vision board. The order came with a note from the buyer that simply says “I love you.”

In the last year I have given away and sold hundreds of Buff Beads to people all over the world. The styles have changed a few times, but the message has always been the same and always will be.

There is a healing powers in your words. By saying only loving and kind words to your Self you develop a friendship that will surpass all others. The love and respect I have for my Self now brings tears to my eyes. I cannot believe I had let it go for so long and allowed so much disrespect in my life.

In just a few weeks Buff Beads online store will go live and my message of the power of self-talk will become even louder! I am so excited to see where we are at in another year.

*NOTE: Buff Beads shown are my original Buff Beads and not for sale.

Anniversary Buff Beads are on Sale on AOP’s Etsy Shop.

FREE SHIPPING this week!

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Pride Buff Beads

Introducing Pride Buff Beads on Advice Over Pie’s Etsy Shop

Buff Beads are based on the article Give Yourself a Love Buff.

You can learn about Buff Beads from yours truly:

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The Day I Met My Mom Princess Leia

We went to the Vancouver Fan Expo specifically to meet my idol Carrie Fisher.  I was a very lonely, awkward preteen and spent most of my free time lying in bed daydreaming about having adventures in a galaxy far, far away with my mom, Princess Leia. I had rehearsed for over two decades telling her how much she had meant to me during that time and  I continued to rehearse in my head for the three hours I stood in line waiting for her to sign my  copy of her book Wishful Drinking.  She has always been very candid about her bi-polar and addictions and I have always admired her ability to not pussyfoot around so called “sensitive issues”.  I love how she owns her shit. As a thanks I had made her  some Buff Beads  and three people away from her I still had no idea how I would manage to fit everything I had to say to her into 30 seconds.  With my husband holding me up I walked up to her trembling and holding back tears.  She was beautiful and I wanted to hug her.  I mumbled off my words of adoration and the part she played in my childhood as my fictional mom.  She asked my age and if she could even be my  mom. She did some quick math and she would have been young, but absolutely she could have been my mom and then she signed my book:

To Jessica Love from her true mother.

For Jessica
Love from her true mother.

I told her that I had a blog and I wrote about self-love, self-talk and shame resilience. I explained that I had created Buff Beads to keep aware of my self-talk and  I asked if I could give her some.  She said “I really could use these” and put them around her fingers.  I left that day high just at the reception I had received from Carrie. It didn’t matter if my beads got forgotten and left behind at the table, she would be seeing a thousand fans just like me.  I was so completely satisfied with the moment that she took my beads and also kind of adopted me.  The next day at the photo op I was excited, but not nearly as emotional.  I full on had no expectations she would remember me and  was just excited to have a picture with her.  There were three people ahead of us when we walked into view of her and her French Bulldog Gary. David asked me which side I wanted to be on, I said whatever side of God Jesus was on.  Gary was on the right side, so I took the left.  With all the coolness of a limp noodle I walked up to her, said hello and then in a high pitched emotional whisper I squeaked “You’re wearing my beads. You’re wearing my beads.” I could not believe it. I hadn’t even allowed the thought to enter my mind that she would be. Carrie said “I’ve been wearing them all night.” The seconds after that were kind of a blur, I remember seeing the girl behind the camera I think she told me to smile needlessly, I said thank you in a breathless sob and Carrie said “You’re welcome” and I walked out.

Meeting my childhood idol this weekend. Can you guess who it is? #keepittogetherjess

A photo posted by Advice Over Pie (@adviceoverpie) on

The person who had influenced my life the most and who I most wanted to wear the beads I had created a year ago was wearing them on her own accord. Carrie Fisher had gone back to her hotel the night before, with my beads and then friggin’ put them on and wore them all day, through the Q & A, through the autograph session and through the photo op. This is the only affirmation I will ever need. My idol, my fantasy “true” mom, heard my message of self-love and appreciated it.  And I have proof.

Princess Leia is wearing my Buff Beads!

 The Buff Beads that I gave to Carrie and that she wore can be found on the Buff Beads store.

What It Means To Love Yourself.

Buff YourselfI love hearing the ways you all use your Buff Beads.  Some people wear them as a tribute to themselves and their self-worth, almost like a symbol of where their allegiance lies. One woman, who is still grieving the loss of her husband 10 years ago, tells me that she holds them in her hands and tells herself out loud “I am so strong!” She used this technique, as well as self-compassion, to quit smoking.  Another lady who had bought Buff Kids for her preteen daughter, told me that her daughter’s feelings had been hurt by a friend and she told herself over and over again “I am not mad, she is still my friend” while playing with the beads one by one.  Before she could get through them all she told her mom that it had worked.  She was feeling much better. For myself,  I had created Buff Beads as a tangible item to play with while I was anxious.  It would keep my mind in the present so I could keep an eye on all the nasty things I would say to myself. A year later Buff Yourself means so much more to me than just being aware of and using self-talk.  So, what does Buff Yourself mean?

It means to talk to yourself with kindness and compassion.

It means to use your words to build yourself up in times you need strength.

It means to put up a wall of love between you and any confrontation.

It means to love yourself unconditionally.

Blah blah blah right? The word “self-love” draws in ughs, eye rolls and nausea. Which that’s fine, call it what you want, but the importance of practicing self-love has been proven time and time again.  So, whether it’s Buff Beads or post-its, get an idea of what it means for you to love yourself and create yourself a reminder.

For me loving myself is…

filling myself with pride for even the smallest, silliest achievements

being aware of stressful circumstances before they happen and using my words to wrap myself in a bubble of peace and joy.

realizing that the mistakes I have made are not who I am now.

comforting myself when I cannot get past those mistakes.

recognizing the days I’m just not feeling it and cutting myself some slack.

knowing how to set boundaries and when to uncomfortably say no instead of feeling resentment later.

saying yes to one glass of wine, but no to two.

spending an extra five dollars on the shirt I really want.

looking into the future and knowing that I’ll be glad I went for that walk after dinner even though I don’t want to in the moment.

admitting to myself all the selfish things I want and believing I am worth every single one of them.

coming out of a mini meltdown showing myself compassion and grace instead of beating myself up for forgetting everything I’ve learned.

believing in my truth no matter how scary things get.

learning to trust myself and my gut and being proud of myself when I do.

being honest with myself.  Am I really bothered by that or do I just need a nap?

coming to terms with the truth that I am the only one that can make myself happy. And then doing it.

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I would like to hear from you guys. What are ways do you maintain a healthy relationship with yourself?  What does Buff Yourself mean to you?

 

Stop Hitting Yourself – How to Self-Talk

Have you ever had someone take your hand and then forcefully start beating you in the face with it? It’s a very unnatural and unpleasant feeling, not to mention it really hurts.  We’re not meant to hurt ourselves with our own limbs and we’re not meant to hurt ourselves with our own words or thoughts.
The subconscious cannot tell the difference between our words or another person’s words

Up until a couple years ago, I worked and lived with a woman who made my life miserable. She was nice to everyone else, but she loved to pick on me. Any mistake I made I was told how stupid I was. She knew all my secrets and loved to remind me of my most shameful memories and tell me how horrible of a person I was. As soon as I got up in the morning she was there telling me I was lazy because I didn’t get up earlier to work out. Sweet as pie to everyone else, she made me feel unworthy, unlovable and made me sick. This beast of a woman wasn’t a co-worker, sibling or parent, she was me. I lived with sickness, shame and anxiety for many years until I became my own hero and took control of my self-talk.

Categorically, self-talk is a broad statement. But with the right perspective you can usually narrow it down to a free flowing thought form that comes at you unannounced and unwanted unless you take control. Collectively we would agree that our words are generally not of a positive nature towards ourselves. You would normally never speak to anyone the way you speak to yourself and I can’t imagine that any of us would tolerate being in such an abusive relationship for long.

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How do I self talk?

Be your own best friend. One day you show your human side and make an embarrassing mistake that makes you want to curl up under a blanket and never come out. Use comforting words that you would to your best friend or partner and remind yourself of all the things you did, and do, amazingly wellSelf-compassion doesn’t just apply to things that happen to you, it applies to things you do to yourself. Example “I am so sorry that happened. It must have been very embarrassing.  It will all be okay.”

Be proud of yourself. How often do you brush aside compliments and give reasons why “it really wasn’t that big of a deal”? Relish in the joy of doing amazing things. Even if it’s just managing to fold a fitted sheet, I had heard only wizards could do that. Every day create in yourself a sense of pride for your accomplishments. Example “Nicely done on the folding of that fitted sheets!  I heard only wizards could do that! Woot!

Be the nicest person who has ever been nice to you.

Buff Yourself. Often you will see professional athletes sitting muttering to themselves. They are pumping themselves up using their words. Buffing yourself means to give yourself power. Before an interview, test, meeting, anything that you need to draw inner strength for, use your words. My favorite words to say to myself are “I am so very strong and have proved that many times.

Allow yourself to love you. The hardest part about self-love and self-talk is the resistance you will have towards it. It will feel awkward saying kind things towards yourself. You will feel like you’re lying or even bragging. Have you ever broke into song and dance while alone and then all of a sudden feel self-conscious and embarrassed? This happens because you are not comfortable around you. And why would you be comfortable around someone that is so mean and degrading at times? Create a kind and loving relationship with yourself by becoming aware of your inner dialogue. You will then see how often and unconsciously you talk down to yourself.  Change it. Stick up for yourself. Tell yourself that you are worthy of love and respect and you will not tolerate being treated in any other way. Example “I am a very good person and I am very kind. I am worthy of all good things.

Just because it’s your own hand doesn’t make it hurt less. Just because the words are your own doesn’t make them any less painful or effective. Now that you are aware of this you have the ability to take control of your your words. By changing your inner dialogue you build a trust and bond with yourself that will make you feel confident and less alone during some of the most scary times, because you know that you have your best friend with you always.

“Like food is to the body, self-talk is to the mind. Don’t let any junk thoughts repeat in your head.”

Maddy Malhotra, How to Build Self-Esteem and Be Confident: Overcome Fears, Break Habits, Be Successful and Happy

I Was a Movie Star Drywaller

 

 

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We hear rags to riches stories all the time. They seem to always start at the extreme end of poverty and end on the complete opposite side where the person is driving a Mercedes. There are many Dream Big stories coming true that aren’t as noticeable and are much more believable. I did not grow up desolate poor and my Audi Q5 is still sitting snug as a bug on my vision board, but that isn’t the point of my story. In a world where we are stuck in awful jobs, relationships, and financially instability, there is an abundance of hopelessness, dreaming kills that hopelessness. By consistently imagining yourself at the next level you will notice that the environment around you will start to change. What is happening is the standards you had for yourself have improved and what was once “good enough” is no longer.  Thinking of doing something I don’t want to do makes me feel as if my soul is dragging behind my body. Often the need to provide for our family outweighs the soul’s pain, and for many years my body went into survival mode and my soul begrudgingly followed. Survival mode is very lonely and I have never been a stranger to loneliness. As a child for six years I went to a private Christian school where we were left alone in cubicles for five hours a day to do our work. Any turning or talking would be met with demerits which could eventually lead to the dreaded strap and probably hell. Near every day I would come home crying and begging to be put into public school, but parents always try and do what they feel is right for their children, and I was made to go the next day. I found no relief at home as we lived out in the middle of nowhere on a hobby farm, and with my parents always busy, the only way of getting anywhere was to bike ten miles into town. I ached for companionship that was not my younger brothers and sisters.

I found relief from the solitude by lying in bed and daydreaming. My vivid imagination brought me to places I had only seen in movies. I had all sorts of adventures. I visited the dark reaches of space where Princess Leia was my mom. I lleaexplored tunnels to a land before time, and I traveled through England with Robin of Loxley stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. The common theme to all my daydreams was that I was important and people wanted to be around me. With no other mental escape, I would sink into these worlds daily to ease my boredom and loneliness. The need to daydream slowed as I got older and I eventually stopped when I was told that I had made the decision to be a mom and that’s all I was to do. The late great Lou Tice once said

“When I stopped dreaming, I stopped growing.”

For ten years I chose not to dream as it wasn’t realistic and completely useless. I had no idea that eventually going back to dreaming would save my mental well being on more than one occasions.

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My time as my dad’s drywall assistant seven years ago wasn’t all bad, but nonetheless the bad memories outweigh the good. The majority of the time I was dirty covered in drywall mud and dust and driving a big orange short box pickup truck. My lesson to be learned those days was humility and boy was I humbled. The work was mentally exhausting and labor intensive, as my dad pushed me as hard as he would my brothers, if not harder. My job mostly was to clean up left over drywall scrap littered throughout massive houses. I was almost always alone and it would take me hours to haul armfuls of scrap up and down flights of stairs. The job consumed my life as every day I dreaded the next. The only thing I had to look forward to in life was I had been asked to play a part in an Independent Film. The thought of my big break kept me going and when the time came, it was the closest thing to being treated like a movie star that I had ever been. It was everything that I wanted to be, everything I wanted to do. I did not want the weekend to end, but it did and the very next day I went back to my unglamorous life of dirty clothes, filthy surroundings and labor intensive work. My soul was crushed and as I walked around
the drywall strewn house, I cried. I would tell others my story of how important I was made to feel over the weekend and how well I did, but there are few that know the feeling of living their dream. Those that do know don’t understand how it must feel to have it stripped away, save for Cinderella.

Being home and off work brought no solace as the loneliness and mental exhaustion followed me there. Unlike some feelings such as jealously and hurt that are gradually watered down with life, the memory of loneliness stays with us and we always remember how lonely we were at times in our lives. At this time, with the taste of my dream life still in my mouth, I stood alone in a cold, damp shell of a house, dazed. I was covered from last week’s drywall mud, my hair up in a dirty hat, wearing a small amount of mascara to keep the bit of femininity I had. Scraps of drywall littered the ground around me and the dread of the three hours ahead of me was overwhelming. I was devastatingly lonely. So, as a thirty something year old adult, I sunk back into the memories of the time I had lived my dream.

My story took off on its own, and like a wild fire it grew. I befriended celebrities, I won Oscars, dined in Paris, starred in movies, wrote novels, took trips with my kids and designed my dream house. I was lost in my imagination and forgot where I was and what I was doing. Before I knew it, the house was scrapped. Daydreaming again awakened in me a childlike whimsy and I saw things unfold that I never thought would happen. When I ignored my current circumstances and imagined greater, I began to make changes unconsciously that would create a ripple effect that eventually got me here to where I am today. I have never stopped dreaming since.vision board

I now print my dreams and desires and place them on a cork board. My vision board has cruises, shoes, office chairs and desks, beach houses, designer dresses and an itinerary of my dream trip to New Zealand and Paris. We are all extremely visual, so when the image in our head does not match our reality it causes tension and discomfort in us, and then subconsciously we put into action steps to change the outer picture in order to match the inner one. Nearly every day for years, I have looked at a picture of an office on a beach overlooking the ocean. This picture to me signifies having a job I love with the freedom to travel and do it from anywhere in the world. I never imagined when I pinned it there five years ago how close I would be to my dream job today. Besides looking at the picture and imagining the feeling of being there on that beach, I have done nothing consciously to make that happen, yet here I am today doing what I love to do and potentially having an opportunity to write from the comforts of the beach. Mr. Rogers once asked us if we ever grew anything in the garden of our mind. What do you want? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? If you plant your dream and nurture it, it will grow.

All meaningful and lasting change starts from the inside. –Lou Tice

“Our brain can’t tell much difference between visualization and actual events.”

 

I really felt I needed to update this post…

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